Benefits

Benefits of increased happiness. Increased happiness = reduced stress.

Negative Thoughts Kill Your Brain Cells

Negative Thoughts Kill (Brain Cells)

So many branches of science are demonstrating the benefit of positivity. Positive and optimistic thoughts are good for us — good for our health, our relationships, our success, and our very ability to think clearly.

I feel great appreciation for the scientists from so many different fields of study who have turned their attention to human thriving. Without their hard work and dedication I would not have been able to weave together a program that provides both the skills and knowledge needed for individuals to successfully think more positively.

I have heard that refrain for most of my life – “Be Positive” or “Look on the bright side” or “Don’t worry, be happy”?  It always sounded like good advice but I did not know how for a long time. As I learned how it became clear why so many people attempt to change in this area and fail — I learned the common reasons for not being successful and gathered the resources and knowledge necessary to overcome those common obstacles.

Information was gathered from countless bodies of knowledge. If it could contribute to the truth about how to create greater human thriving I was interested, passionately interested in understanding it.

The programs we offer stand on the shoulders of not one giant, but many giants who came before and without whom we would never have been able to create this magnificent program.

They have provided all the information necessary to help anyone thrive in ways they may have never believed possible. The program empowers individuals to succeed in their well-being, in their relationships, in their earthly pursuits, in following their passion, in understanding their purpose, in all that is important.

Today I happened upon another piece of the puzzle that I am going to share. I love it when science is presented in a clear manner that many people can relate to. I love the masterful way this material is presented. It starts out as if it is religious but it is not – any person of any faith, spiritual belief or atheism can find value in the message in this video.

But, as brilliant as the mind that created it is — he still includes a negative thought in his positive meditation – even though he intends for it to be a positive meditation. As he states, his deepest belief is compassion he pulls himself back to a negative thought by adding that he is not good at being compassionate. This makes it clear that even experts can gain by guidance — that learning to be positively focused takes both knowledge and skills. That is what we provide in our programs at Happiness 1st Institute.

Use the Contact Us area of our website to find out about the new and exciting classes that will help you build more brain cells as well as other products and services.

The Power of Appreciation

Is Happiness Wrong?

The Power of Appreciation

At this time of the year I often wonder if putting aside a single day a year for Thanksgiving serves us. I find that a life where I look for things to appreciate every day is so much richer and fuller than when I used to focus on that activity only on the 4th Thursday in November when Thanksgiving is practiced in the USA.

When we focus on things to appreciate each day many factors aid us in their discovery. The very way our brain is structured ensures that we see more of what we look for. This means that when we look for things to appreciate we see them – in our families, in our friends, in our communities, in our world and in ourselves. This one act, appreciation, is a very high emotional state that enriches the life of anyone who makes it a habit. Love and appreciation are so close emotionally they are hardly discernable one from another. A conscious decision to appreciate can lead to a life that is more wonderful than can be imagined by someone who has not done so.

While it is lovely to have a day that is focused on thanksgiving, to enjoy family, friends, and feasting; it is far more wonderful to appreciate each and every day.

What can be appreciated?  There is so much. It is everywhere. Right now I can hear the birds singing outside. Their song is lovely. That takes me to thoughts of appreciation that I live somewhere that allows me to hear the sounds of nature. Right now my daughter’s puppy is nestled against my legs enjoying just being close to me – something she demonstrates daily. That brings me to thoughts about how her puppy wakes each day with enthusiasm and joy. She reminds me to awaken with that same amount of enthusiasm and eagerness for the day ahead.

My thoughts of appreciation turn to those closest to me, my partner, my children and my closest friends. There are so many aspects of them to appreciate. The warmth and comfort of my home is something I appreciate each day especially like now, when the sunshine is flowing through the windows.

Thoughts of appreciation invariably bring me to a conversation with a bank president I was coaching a few years ago and when I suggested a practice of consciously appreciating three things every day he asked (in the midst of the financial downturn), “Can I start with just one?  It is rather hard to find three things to appreciate right now.”  I responded by asking him if he had food on his table when he sat down to dinner the previous night. Of course, the answer was yes. Then I asked if he had a table that his plate sat upon. It becomes obvious that we are surrounded by things we can appreciate if we make that choice.

Our society has been trained to appreciate the “big” things. Things like our team winning the championship when there are so many things to appreciate on the way to the championship. Every game there is new knowledge gained, encouragement and supportive words are offered to one another. Skills are honed. Lessons are learned. Life goes on in the background of the game – babies born, relationships beginning or deepening; all of these have aspects to appreciate.

What exists in your life that you can appreciate?  Make a decision to deliberately find at least three things to appreciate every day between now and the end of 2012 and see how different (better) your life feels. See how your relationships deepen and every day seems to hold more blessings.

This is not about wearing rose colored glasses. It is not that you won’t see something that is not as you desire it to be. It is seeing with eyes that look for the good instead of eyes that look for the flaws. Both realities exist and are accurate. It is the stance of the perceiver that makes the difference.

Some say it is not realistic to have a positive focus but let’s be real about that. If there is something, say a relationship, where 99% of it is working perfectly, brilliantly and beautifully but 1% is out of whack – is it realistic to look at 1% and assert that the whole is broken?  Or is it more realistic to look at the 99% that is working wonderfully and believe that the 1% is something that can be addressed and does not ruin the 99% that is working.

Deliberately deciding to be in a state of appreciation does not mean you ignore and do not deal with things that need tending. It does mean you do not color your whole life with the outlook that because there is one thing wrong everything is wrong.

The 1%/99% can be applied to any area of life – health, relationships, career, home, body, vacations, etc.

We can enjoy the journey even when the road is bumpy and rutted if we make a decision to look for things that are good during the journey.

Many have been trained to see life in ways that make the journey far less enjoyable than it could be. The same journey can be heaven for one and hell for another – their perspective makes the difference.

Our programs are designed to make the journey not only more enjoyable but understandable. The journey to a better-feeling life can be easier than you’ve ever imagined.

Contact Us  for information on upcoming programs or to be the first to learn the details of our new portable CD programs coming soon.

You can have the life of your dreams.

Please consider sharing this with your friends and family. You never know who you may help by passing it on. It is a random act of kindness that will ripple outward.

Comments are welcome.

Empty Nest Getting You Down?

Empty Nest Getting You Down?

Enjoy It Instead.

There is so much to enjoy and appreciate about being an empty nester.

My daughters come and go right now. One finished college a year ago and is now pursuing her dream of being a massage therapist attending school in Sedona, AZ which is 2,000 miles away. She wanted to be a massage therapist before college but she did college to please me and was four hours away then.

My other daughter is away at college in her 1st senior year. She changed majors this Autumn so she will have more than one senior year.

When they first went away I soothed myself with the knowledge that I did my best to raise them to make good decisions and be good people (according to my definition of good). I had to trust that the work I had done was enough. I knew that I had not always been perfect (far from it many times) but that even that prepared them to go forth and thrive.

I also find that I enjoy them and their blossoming so much more because I do not hold up an idea of who I want them to be and compare who they are to that idea. Instead I look at them and look at their positive attributes. In this way I see so much potential and am sometimes overwhelmed at how well they do when I let go. In fact, I have seen that they do better than I would have encouraged them to do – by following their own dreams and passions.

Trust. Trust that you have done your job. Trust that they know you are always there and will always love them – even after you depart your body that love will be there to strengthen and uplift them.

As my daughters became young ladies I began giving myself the freedom to pursue my own passions so by the time they left I was absorbed in my own pursuit of understanding how to help humans thrive. This had a double benefit. I know my children have benefited from the knowledge I gained along this path and the example I have set. It also gave me an entire world to love, appreciate and uplift.

I look forward to the unfolding of the future. I hope for grandchildren but not too soon but also know that I can find “grand babies to love, spoil and return” anywhere so I do not feel a need to pressure my daughters into having children. Their choices are theirs to make. There is no need to please or satisfy Mom.

There are things you can do, such as keep a journal where you express your love of them. You can give them these or keep them for them to find eventually and what a gift that would be.

You have 24 hours every day. In those 24 you sleep about 8. In the 16 remaining you have choices about what to focus upon. When you think of your children you can think about their absence or about their thriving. You get to decide. One feels better and the other not so good. Why would you choose to feel less than you could?

Be kind to yourself. Read books you have wanted to read. Eat what you want to eat instead of catering to varied desires of children with vastly different food tastes (mine were born to be opposites). Take long walks. Take bubble baths. Nurture friendships with others who are positively focused.

Although dogs and cats are wonderful unless you have no desire to travel or a readily available pet sitter I do not recommend getting a pet at this stage.

Since my girls left for college I have been to Australia, New Zealand, Dubai, Alaska, a Panama Canal cruise, Barcelona, Venice, a Mediterranean cruise, several Caribbean cruises, Cabo San Lucas and many other trips. I love to travel and have developed friendships around the world since my children went to college. My youngest has her dog at home with me and arranging care of her when I travel keeps me home more than I would be if she was not a consideration.

You can be a great Mom or Dad and not suffer at their doing the natural thing – growing up and being on their own.

I look forward to a future when they come for visits with their partners and their children and think about how I want those times to be. In fact, I make decisions based on maintaining the great relationships I have with them to facilitate that future vision. The new home I am planning considers their comfort on visits – not only theirs – but sufficient privacy so that a partner will feel comfortable having a nice long visit and so that grandchildren will have enough freedom in Grandma’s house to feel welcome and comfortable yet allow me to have a home with adult treasures.

Make a list of things that feel good when you think about them. If you find yourself dwelling on the absence of your children pull out the list and re-direct your thoughts to something that feels better. In time this will develop a new habit of thought and you will no longer have to consciously make that effort. If you are consistent three months should be more than adequate. But, you will feel better in minutes – as soon as you re-direct your thoughts. It is the habit that takes time – don’t worry about the long-term – just take steps to feel better in the short-term and the long-term will take care of itself. One day you will realize it has been ages since you had  unhappy-feeling thoughts about your children growing up.

If you are finding this transition less than enjoyable contact us. The same journey can be heaven for one and hell for another – their perspective makes the difference. Our programs are designed to make the journey not only more enjoyable but understandable. The journey to a better-feeling outlook can be easier than you’ve ever imagined and its very nature will strengthen your relationships.

Contact us  for information on upcoming programs or to be the first to learn the details of our new portable CD programs coming soon.

You can enjoy your life at any stage.

Please consider sharing this with your friends and family. You never know who you may help by passing it on. It is a random act of kindness that can ripple outward and bring humanity one step closer to peace.

Comments are welcome

A Sure Path to Peace

A Sure Path to Peace

True inner happiness puts you in reach of finding peace in your own heart.

The world will only have peace when individuals make the choice to put peace in their own hearts.

No one has to wait for ‘world peace’ to enjoy a peaceful heart. In fact, as they wait, the world will never achieve peace.

To achieve ‘world peace’, we need to, find the peace in our own hearts. Each of us can find peace within our own hearts at any time. We cannot make the world be at peace but we can make our world at peace with a peaceful heart which leads to feelings of peace and love and unity with all.

Politicians and soldiers cannot put peace in individual hearts. Each of us has the power to do that in our own heart, now. Even when the governments declare peace there is no peace unless and until peace resides in the hearts. Look at the US civil war… there are still those who do not have peace in their hearts over this yet I do not believe anyone remains alive in the body they inhabited during that conflict. . . . because they have been taught not to be peaceful in their hearts regarding that. As we move toward finding peace in our own heart wonderful things happen in our lives. No one can stop you from having peace in your heart now, except yourself. It is your choice. I chose peace as soon as I understood this and love living in peace with the world. Bless you. Bless everyone. May the true wisdom of each soul shine forth.

Superficial happiness will not get you anywhere close but deep and stable happiness can and will bring you within reach of finding peace in your own heart because the path to both is the same. It is about understanding what you can and cannot control and not needing others to be different to validate you.

Some months after I wrote the above I found this quote:

“World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not just mere absence of violence. Peace is, I think, the manifestation of human compassion.”

~ Dalai Lama XIV

And later still, I found this one:

Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

And then this one:

Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

When you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.

~ St. Francis of Assisi

Education will help bring peace but it must be the right kind of education. Education that empowers individuals to believe in themselves, to believe not only in their own worth and capability, but that as magnificent as they are, all others are magnificent being as well. The differences are strengths.

Years ago, here in the South where I have made my home, there was a blight on the American Chestnut trees which were once dominant in the forests. Other varieties of trees were not affected by this blight that eradicated vast areas of trees that once provided food and shelter to humans and animals. If only American Chestnut trees had existed, if we had not had the variety of trees, today there would be no trees. Variety provides great strength. We need to look for the value of the differences we see in one another.

The only reason we want others to be “like” us is because we are insecure in who we are. When we ask others to believe as we do, look as we do, act as we do, we are really asking them to validate our choices. When we begin to understand that the blessings that come from the differences, the different perspectives, the different thought patterns, the different actions, and the different appearances are of far greater value than any value there is in sameness we will be ready to embrace who we are fully. We will be free to express who and what we are.

Many believe that there is danger in someone being different. They do not understand that the real danger lies in attempting to make everyone conform to a set mold. We did not come into this life to be copycats. We came to create ourselves anew and explore our potential. At our very cores, we are all the same. At our cores we are all benevolent and loving beings. It is when we are constrained and held captive to expectations that limit us that we become less than loving. When an individual is truly happy they want others to share that happiness. Science shows this again and again in their research. It is the rules and constraints of society that create the behaviors we are attempting to prevent with the rules. A circular malfeasance is being created and only deeper knowledge will release the masses from the ever tightening circle. No one is trapped within that circle when they realize they control whether or not they will abide there but most have been so trained that they must remain in the circle that the pressure is mounting.

Look for the beauty and potential in all others. It is always there. Your inability to see it is your own self-created limitation. Failure to see the beauty and potential in all others speaks about who you are Being in the moment; not about them. Most self-created limitations are really acceptance of limiting beliefs and false premises that others teach to us. Examine your beliefs and their basis. What must be true for your beliefs to be true?

We have to see the world as we want it to be in order to inspire it to be that which we desire.

As we move toward finding peace in our own heart wonderful things happen in our lives. No one can stop you from having peace in your heart now, except yourself. It is your choice. I choose peace as soon as I understood this and love living in peace with the world. Bless you. Bless everyone. May the true wisdom of each soul shine forth.

I am often very aware of the energetic differences in things and just that small change shifts the energy considerably.

Some time ago I made a decision that we live in a benevolent universe. Einstein had a quote about this, “You can make conscious decisions to believe that you live in a benevolent universe or that you live in an evil place”. He followed the quote with an explanationthat the decision will determine your actions. If you live in a benevolent universe your actions will reflect that and if you live in an evil place you will do things like build bombs.

I find that Henry Ford was exactly right “Whether you believe you can or you can’t, you are right” meaning that your life reflects the truth of your own, personal beliefs back to you. Since making the decision that I live in a benevolent universe (complete with a higher power that is not only very aware of each of us but flowing the goodness we will allow to us).

Since deciding that people are good at their core even people who are not always nice to others are nice to me. I believe they sense on some level that I see the truth of them and that part of them responds. There have even been times when I could see their own confusion as to why they were being so polite to me. It is my desire to share my awareness of this path to peace with others to help them find the comfort and security peace brings.

Please consider sharing this with your friends and family. You never know who you may help by passing it on. It is a random act of kindness that will ripple outward.

Bringing Sustainable Happiness to the World 

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Senseless Tragedies: Prevention

Corporate wellness

Root Cause of Senseless Tragedies

Prevention: One person at a time

 

This publication represents the first installment in Happiness 1st Institute’s series of White Papers on the importance of understanding emotions. The papers in the series are intended to offer plain-English descriptions of the foundational elements of the importance of understanding emotions, as well as insights and practical steps you may consider for incorporating the concepts within your own organization or life. In the following pages, you will find a discussion of concepts necessary for understanding emotions an integral part of managing their impact. We believe application of these concepts will help create what we consider the epitome of enlightened emotional management.

The subject was the focus of my thesis and my later book based on my thesis, Is Punishment Ethical? We have the ability to stop crimes before they occur, before anyone suffers because of them and before someone irrevocably changes their life into one where they will be incarcerated. Why aren’t we doing it? Let’s do it. Step 1: Learn about the solution until you see it as clearly as I see it.

Keep in mind that the application of these concepts is new information for most. The study of human thriving is a relatively new area for scientific discoveries as prior efforts focused more upon decreasing the impact of problems instead of enhancing potential. This addresses the root cause of many unwanted things by creating an environment of thriving in which those undesired elements cannot flourish. Most current programs – for health, mental health, societal problems, relationship problems are directed at treating symptoms. This is directed at the root cause.

Open communication is a key characteristic of a educating others on these concepts. Consider sharing this whitepaper with other executives, board members, and key managers in your organization as well as important people in your life and the lives of your children. The new understanding of emotions has the potential to beneficially impact the world. The more information that is shared the faster those benefits can be enjoyed by people around the world.

When actions can affect human well-being or change the world, it’s not business as usual. New research in one field often takes years to reach professionals in other fields. The information about emotions coming out of may areas of science have the potential to positively impact health and well-being around the world, as well as many social issues including substance abuse, teen pregnancy, crime, recidivism rates, productivity, divorce rates and depression. We believe it is contains the keys to peace.

The issues and concepts outlined herein should provide an excellent starting point for a crucial dialogue on enhancing your organization’s understanding of emotions. For additional information, visit www.Happiness1stInstitute.com.

We are available to provide classes, private consultations as well as coaching services and collaboration with schools, prisons and non-profits.

LabelsMohawk Boy with Aerosol Can

Humans label by characteristics, behavior, and appearance. We then apply judgments based upon the labels we assign to others and ourselves.

 

Labels save time and help us navigate life but they can also greatly diminish outcomes.

Individual behavior varies largely due to the current emotional state of the individual. When we judge based on behavior without an understanding of the impact of emotional state on behaviors, individuals at lower emotional states tend to be judged harshly and their potential greatly underestimated.

For example, the same individual feeling despair would not respond to the same situation the way he or she would when happy.
Impact of Emotional State

In order to see the true potential in others the link between emotional state and behavior must be understood and considered during our interactions.

An individuals current emotional state has significant impacts on all of the following:

·         Behavior ·         Intelligence ·         Emotional Intelligence
·         Health ·         Well-being ·         Resilience
·         Relationships ·         Motivation ·         Creativity
·         Decisions (including lifestyle, i.e., diet, exercise, alcohol, drugs, and risky behavior)

 

In general, you can assume that someone behaving in undesirable ways has negative emotions that have not been responded to in of the three constructive methods.

The best response to most negative emotion in modern society involves ‘Right Responses[A] (RRs). This involves some action or a deliberate and conscious change in mindscape.

Emotions provide information to guide us. The other two appropriate responses are Fight (non-violent assertive resistance) or Flight. Suppressing or denying emotions is dysfunctional and leads to many other problems.

Ignoring a negative emotion is just as unhealthy as putting your hand on a hot stove and leaving it there to burn while ignoring the pain inflicted. Pain is information that tells us to take some action. Likewise, emotions are guidance that helps us recognize unhealthy thoughts or circumstances.

If we are judging an unhappy person based upon their behavior we are not seeing their potential. When we see their potential we are more likely to inspire them to achieve more of their potential. Potential is a terrible thing to waste.

In general, emotional states can be defined (broadly) with the following feelings:

Emotional Guidance Scale (EGSc)

Sweet Zone

·         Joy ·         Appreciation ·         Freedom
·         Empowered ·         Love ·         Awe
·         Passion ·         Enthusiasm ·         Eagerness
·         Happy ·         Positive Expectation ·         Belief
·         Inspired ·         Trust ·         Faith
·         Optimism ·         Serenity ·         Satisfaction
·         Fulfilled

Hopeful Zone

·         Hopefulness ·         Gratitude

Blah Zone

·         Contentment ·         Boredom ·         Pessimism
·         Apathy

Drama Zone

·         Frustration ·         Irritation ·         Impatience
·         Overwhelmed ·         Disappointment

Give Away Zone

·         Doubt ·         Worry ·         Blame
·         Guilt ·         Discouragement

Hot (Red) Zone

·         Anger ·         Revenge

Powerless Zone

·         Hatred ·         Rage ·         Jealousy
·         Insecurity ·         Fear ·         Unworthiness
·         Grief ·         Depression ·         Despair
·         Powerlessness ·         Learned Helplessness ·         Guardedness
·         Hopelessness

 

Emotions and Thoughts

Emotions are the response to thoughts. This fact is easily demonstrated by taking someone through a guided visualization of scenes designed to elicit emotions. As the scene changes the emotional state changes.

There are actually three levels of emotions. The most basic are felt below conscious thought. For example, if the hairs on the back of your neck stand up because of a danger you have not yet consciously been aware of that is the most basic level.

The second level consists of simple emotions that come in response to actual thoughts. For example, fear is one such emotion.

The third level is also emotions that come as the result of conscious thoughts but the thoughts are more complex, the responses are not necessarily inborn responses but trained by external third parties (parents, church, society, teachers, etc.). For example, shame. A baby and small child have no shame about their body when they are naked. This emotion is taught by third parties and would be considered a complex emotion.

Emotions are information that we are designed to be acted upon. When third party imposed negative emotions do not provide a path to better feeling emotions they set the stage for all sorts of problems including behavioral, emotional (See DSM), and health. We were not designed to suffer negative emotions on a long-term basis and when we endure them we do suffer.

Emotional Set Points

Emotional set points impact how an individual will feel in response to stimulus. For example, someone who is experiencing a lot of frustration will find more things that are frustrating in new circumstances and a person with a generally hopeful attitude will notice aspects they find generally hopeful in new situations.

Reticular Activating System (RAS)

The emotional set point is assisted by the Reticular Activating System (RAS) Filter in their brain. The RAS  Filter sifts external input based on filters such as:

  1. Beliefs held by the individual
  2. Expectations of the individual
  3. Emotional set points of the individual[B]
  4. Focus of the individual

This filter only passes some information to the conscious brain and filters out a great deal of information that our senses record. This is beneficial because otherwise we would be overloaded with too much information.

However, the filters have often been programmed in ways that do not serve the individual well.

Beliefs & Limiting Beliefs

For example, if someone has a limiting belief the filter will keep information from passing to their conscious brain, thus, their ability to overcome the limiting belief is blocked or minimized.

Many individuals RAS filters are impacted by a belief that their actions will not make a difference. This condition has been termed “Learned Helplessness.” Individuals with this condition will not take actions that others (who do not hold the same limiting belief) clearly see would make a difference for the better in their life experience. They literally don’t see some beneficial actions as possibilities because their filter holds back the information. Even if they see the actions as possible their RAS filter does not allow them to imagine the potential benefits of the positive actions the way someone in a more hopeful mindset could. The RAS filter does not allow the information that conflicts with the current beliefs, expectations, and emotional set point to flow to the conscious mind. The filter does not do this out of malice or because the person lacks worthiness or societal value. The RAS filter is unbiased in that way. The belief that their actions will not make a difference results in the filter not placing opportunities (or their potential beneficial outcomes) in their conscious mind.

Learned Helplessness can apply to life in general or to a specific subject or subjects. For example, someone who does well in one area may feel paralyzed in another . This indicates that on that topic they have developed a belief that their actions will not matter.

The detrimental impact of learned helplessness are often seen in long-term poverty, addictions, and remaining in dangerous relationships.

Learned Helplessness is an example of being at the lowest end of the Emotional Guidance Scale. This belief can be changed. When the belief changes the individual will begin seeing the opportunities. The potential for positive change is amazing.

There are as many limiting beliefs as there are individuals. The best way to overcome them is to decide what beliefs would serve you best, not to try to figure out what beliefs may be limiting to you.

The filtering effect results in your conscious mind not receiving information that contradicts your beliefs so it is difficult for you to identify your own limiting beliefs. Reading inspiring books such as “The Magic of Thinking Big” by David Schwartz or “Unlimited Power” by Anthony Robbins can help identify beliefs that could be beneficial to positive motion forward. A contemporary book that is good is “Infinite Possibilities” by Mike Dooley.

Another technique is to write about your life and then ask someone else to read what you have written and help you identify limiting beliefs.

One key to identifying limiting beliefs is to look for statements with “but”. I want to, “but”, followed by some reason the individual believes he or she is limited and cannot do as desired.

Many people will argue for their limitations quite vehemently. It is best not to point out limiting beliefs unless someone is asking as they will just take a stronger position in defense of what their life has shown them to be true. If they do not understand the role of their RAS filter they won’t understand why they see so much evidence supporting their position even though their position is only true for them because of their belief. Those with different beliefs have different experiences.

Expectations

Expectations will also impact what the RAS filter allows through to the conscious mind. This has a tremendous impact on perception of others. For example, if one has formed a negative impression of an individual, he will expect to see behaviors that reflect his negative impression. It will be difficult for him to see progress, especially in the initial stages of change.

Perhaps the best advantage of understanding that our expectations color how we see others is that, once we understand this, we can see people clearly. Instead of seeing people as colored by our previous experience, we allow ourselves to develop new expectations and we will be able to see others in a different light.

If you have defined someone or something (to yourself) by their potential, your expectation (filter) will look for evidence of becoming more of who they can be. Whereas, if you have defined them (to yourself) as someone with bad behavior your filter will look for further evidence of bad behavior and ignore improvements or change.

Emotional Set Points

The emotional set point of the individual will impact what gets through the RAS filter. The filter trusts that you are intelligent and deliberately determining your focus. So, in essence, if you are frustrated often (by traffic, by co-workers, by your family, friends, and house, by spilling the coffee or tripping on something, etc.) your filter says “Oh, she/he wants to feel frustration. Look here …. here is something else that is frustrating. Oh, and look here, this is also frustrating.”  Again, there is no malice. Your filter assumes you understand that you get more of what you focus upon.

Let’s take an example of this. Two individuals can go to the same restaurant, have exactly the same food, prepared in the same way to their specifications, even sit in the same place and have the same server. One who has been focused on enjoying life can have a wonderful time. The one who has been predominately frustrated will find things about the experience that are frustrating that the individual focused on enjoying life does not see (because their filter does not highlight the things that are frustrating).

The ‘big deals’ will still show up. This is not about burying ones head in the sand. It is about, however, having a positive bias on life. When you expect things to go well your filter will show you evidence of things going well. Is it a ‘big deal’ if your waitress takes two extra minutes to refill your water glass?  If your focus is on enjoying life you may not even notice until she is there pouring the refreshing water – you will notice in time to thank her. If you are living in frustration you will notice that your water glass is getting low and as soon as it is empty you will feel frustration that it has not been replenished.

This is just an overview of how the various factors impact the filter.

Emotional State – Impact on Behavior

When you understand that higher emotional states equate to more desirable behaviors you will understand the importance of focusing upon helping the person move to higher and higher emotional states. Punishments tend to keep people at low emotional states and progress is very slow, if it happens at all. Helping someone with undesirable behavior feel better goes against what almost everyone has been taught from a young age. On the other hand, when you look at how things really unfold you will understand that this is the only path to permanent improvement and I will even say, eradication of much of the socially unacceptable behaviors (in time when this is understood by the masses).

Regrets & Self-criticism

Often the greatest punishments come in the form of negative self-talk.

While it is good to have a conscious about our own behaviors,  understanding that we re-create ourselves throughout life and being self-critical about past mistakes just keeps us from moving forward.

When I encounter someone who has deep regret over a past decision I often ask them “If you were in that situation right now would you make the same decision?”. The answer is frequently an adamant “no!”.

 

My response is then “Clearly you are no longer the same person who made that decision/mistake. Why punish your current self for who you used to be?  The person you are today would not do that action so why punish the person you are today?”

I believe fully understanding this not only provides relief from self condemnation but inspires others to want to continue forward motion and become even more.

Although it is a subject for another paper, long-term guilt and regret have negative health consequences.

“Higher” or “Ideal Self”

We all have a “Higher Self” or an “Ideal Self”. We create this self as we live and make decisions about who we really want to be. If we are mean to someone we create a “Higher Self” that is nicer. If someone is mean to us we create a “Higher Self” that others are nicer to. This Higher or Ideal Self” calls us. The Higher Self has achieved all the dreams we have dreamed and our job is to move in the direction of the Higher Self we have created through the living of our life. The “Higher Self” is not a stagnant ‘ideal’. It is ever evolving as we experience life. The “Higher Self” is unique to each of us. No two of us want the same exact things although there are many commonalities.

This differences in individual desires is another area where greater understanding would serve us well. We perceive the actions of others through our own lenses. If our dream is to be married to the same partner for 50+ years we may not be able to understand the perspective of another who chooses not to marry. Understanding that we each have unique desires and perspectives and that this is a wonderful thing would help not only personal relationships but national relationships. We can desire what we desire (we actually can’t help but desire what we desire) because our life has shown us that is what we believe is best for us. However, when you look for someone else to validate your desires and dreams you are asking if your desire and or dreams satisfies their perspectives which really have nothing to do with your own.

Where we are the same is that the higher we get on the EGS the better our behaviors become from the perspective of treating others well.

Violent criminals sometimes appear happy at their own actions but what is being witnessed is a sense of relief they feel in moving up the scale from somewhere in the vicinity of despair (which feels totally powerless) to somewhere like revenge where some of their power has been taken back. Their seemingly positive emotions are not joy, appreciation, or love. They are a sense of relief.

It is not necessary to commit violence in order to move up through the hot (red) zone and stabilize oneself at higher emotional set points. In fact, violence does not usually happen until they have tried to move up and someone or society has sent them back down, repeatedly.

It is quite possible to move up from despair and hopelessness through anger, rage, and revenge just using thoughts. Actions are not necessary to move up the scale. A guide in this process is often helpful.

It may seem that I am blaming those who have held others down or pushed them back down for their resulting violent behaviors. In actuality, I am not interested in trying to figure out who is to blame. Someone taught the person that pushed them back down beliefs that punishing them and limiting their power was the right way to act and the person who taught them learned it from another and so on back through time.

Your higher self says “Yes You Can” and you can verify this by thinking (and believing) “I can” and feel your emotional response to it. Your emotional response will feel better than it will when you think and feel “I can’t”

                         Yes, I can!

A Better World

My interest is in a better world for everyone going forward. I cannot impact or change the past but I can impact and change the future.

What is clear is what has been done in the past has not worked well for many members of the human race.

Understanding how our emotions impact our behavior and focusing on helping one another reach and sustaining ourselves at higher emotional levels will have a tremendous positive impact on the future.

Success requires that we set our intentions on the loftier goal of creating a better world and cling less to the ‘need’ to have been right in our opinions and judgments in the past.

Celebrate knowing new knowledge rather than regreting what you once did not know. Everyone has always done the best they could in the moment. Even when ‘the best in the moment’ is not good, it was the best possibility for them in that moment. Their best in other moments could be better.

There is never a time in this life when we know everything. Like children who gain new knowledge as they learn to walk, we are continuously gaining new knowledge as we live and are exposed to new concepts, ideas, experiences, and scientific discoveries. Embrace the new knowledge and leave any regrets for what you once did not know in the past. If you know enough to regret something now the person you are also knows better than that person you used to be knew. Love who you are and who you are becoming.

Benefits of Increased Positivity

When individuals reach a sustainable place in the Sweet Zone one of the first things almost everyone does is exhibit a desire for others to also enjoy that sort of emotional stability.

There are many processes to help individuals move up and to stabilize at higher emotional set points. At Happiness 1st Institute we teach over 50[C] processes to help individuals manage their own emotional set points.

We are not speaking of transient forms of happiness that are usually based upon some event, possession or other person. We are speaking of a type of happiness that provides a deep sense of inner stability, peace, well-being, and vitality that is consistent and sustainable. This sort of happiness is available to anyone who gains a greater understanding of self.

In addition to the behavioral benefits to society, there is a great deal of research that supports the benefits of happiness for individuals, their family, friends, and society in general. These include: happiness leads to greater success (Harvard Study), greater longevity (Nun study), improved health (too many studies to list – see our website for many citations and examples), better relationships of all types (again, too many studies to list), higher earnings (too many studies to list), lower crime and substance abuse[D], and increased intelligence and creativity (especially see Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph.D.’s work and her “Broaden and Build” theory in either her research or her book, Positivity).

The type of happiness we are talking about is different. It is being who we are authentically, at our core, connected to our Higher Self and focused upon becoming as much like the Higher Self we have created as we can. This type of happiness increases resilience and gives us confidence to pursue our dreams. It does not require continual happiness but the knowledge, desire, and sureness that you can easily and quickly return to that state using skills and knowledge is always present. You are in control of you and your responses to life.

Purpose of Emotions is Guidance

Emotions are guidance. They let you know whether you are moving in the direction of becoming more like your “Higher Self” or away from who you have decided you want to be.

Think of it like the children’s game of finding a lost object where clues of ‘you’re getting warmer” or “you’re getting colder” are given and it becomes simple to follow your guidance. Positive emotions mean you are moving in the right direction and negative emotions indicate you are moving away from your goal.

Appreciate the emotions for the guidance they are.

The ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ is a view of ourselves at our best having achieved our greatest (believable) potential. This ‘Ideal self’ taps our passions, our values, and our past achievements.

“A noble man compares and estimates himself by an idea which is higher than himself; and a mean man, by one lower than himself. The one produces aspiration; the other ambition, which is the way in which a vulgar man aspires.”

~ Marcus Aurelius

“There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.”

~ Hindu Proverb

This ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ is different from the ‘ought self’ that is the construct of things you believe that you should or ought to do based on expectations and requirements of others.

The ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ motivates you from within. The ‘ought’ self is using external criteria to motivate and may or may not be in alignment with your true goals.

What is the difference between your ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ and who you usually are in your day to day interactions?  The ‘gap’ has a lot to do with what you believe you are capable of being. There is always a gap because the ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ is a moving target and this is a good thing. Some of the greatest athletes of all time focused on moving toward their ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ and continued to improve even when they were great. The ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ is a self-created self that is the best you can imagine being in any given moment. As long as you are moving in a direction that is closing the gap you can feel joyful.

Take the idea of the ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ and then look at the EGS. You will be able to easily see that the ‘Ideal or Higher Self’  is calling everyone up the scale. Our ‘Ideal or Higher Self’ lives at the high end of the scale, loving and appreciating.

You will also see that the higher you go on the scale the more empowered you feel. The lower you are on the scale the more powerless you feel.

When you feel more empowered you can often see many paths to your goals (which is why science has found that

individuals are more creative and intelligent when they are happier) – their filter has been set with a greater belief in their abilities. Therefore, they see more ways to achieve their goals.

When someone is held down, either by society or their own limiting beliefs the pull

to regain some of their power and to move up the scale gets larger and larger. When the only path(s) that are visible to the individual are ones that society abhors, they will take those paths if and when that pull becomes stronger than any resistance they have to those actions.

At the lower levels often the only path visible that will allow the individual to regain some of their personal power is a path that would never be chosen if they saw another path.

The above point is so important for understanding. Because of the feelings of being powerless the path(s) to regaining some power seem very limited. Perhaps they have tried repeatedly to regain some power in more acceptable ways but have not been understood so they were pushed back down. Over time this would result in a belief that those more socially acceptable paths are not the way because they did not work. As that happens repeatedly the paths that remain open become more appealing. Paths that would never have been considered if the socially acceptable paths had not been blocked begin to seem like the only option. Feelings of desperation begin to work on the individual until they become causative to  actions. They do feel relief in those actions even when the consequences can be potentially terrible.

When society begins helping individuals move from feelings of powerlessness to better feeling places, rather than pushing them back down (because they are easier to handle in depression, despair, and helplessness than in anger or revenge) we will see massive positive changes in our crime rates. Eventually we will have the nice problem of trying to figure out what to do with all the excess capacity in our incarceration facilities.

We will see thriving among those who previously were thought to have no hope. We will see the gap for those children who today still seem unable to achieve begin to close as we help them overcome learned helplessness.

We will see massive amounts of post traumatic growth. The individuals who have come from disempowered situations who learn how to manage their own place on the EGS will be huge beneficiaries of post adversarial growth. By their experiences they have created a “Higher Self” that is far greater than the one created by someone who has lived a mild life. When they understand how to move in the direction of closing the gap consistently and deliberately we will be amazed and delighted.

Emotions are literally guidance from one of our senses. The concept of ‘five senses’ is a fallacy. We have far more than five. New research from Harvard, courtesy of the brilliant mind of Katherine Peil, and ten pages of cross disciplinary scientific research cited in her paper, Emotion: A Self-regulatory Sense, demonstrates clearly that our emotions are a sense. In fact, her position is that emotion is our oldest sense and she uses molecular biology and the biophysical processes of living systems to lead us step-by-step through this idea.

Our emotions are output from a hitherto unrecognized sense. In fact, the emotional sense is present even in simple organisms. It appears the function of the basic ‘negative’ emotions are information that helps us keep our bodies safe. The function of the positive emotions is to point us toward self-development and well-being.

The difference between the simple organisms and most humans is that they actually listen to and respond to their emotional sensory output.

Humans, on the other hand, have a tendency to ignore emotions. to suppress them, and to suffer the negative consequences of doing so in lives that are not as robust as they could be.

There is no benefit to us in ignoring the output from our emotional system, it is providing information which will improve our lives if we act upon it appropriately. Ignoring output from the emotional system leads to senseless tragedies.

Ignoring negative emotional output is no different than ignoring pain from our sense of touch. We would not put our hand on a hot stove and notice that our hand was burning and leave it there to continue to burn. When we ignore or suppress negative emotions it is no less harmful to our well-being than leaving a burning hand on a hot stove.

Emotions are information designed to guide us.

Proper Response to Emotions

The best response to most negative emotion in modern society involves ‘Right Responses[E] (RRs). This involves some action or a deliberate and conscious change in mindscape.

In an early version of K. T. Peil’s paper (Global Advances in Health and Medicine, March 2014), she stats “the modern behavior toolkit includes a creative approach response as well as avoidant reactions to emotional distress. When feeling out of balance, we can take flight or fight in defense, or we can capitalize upon our neural endowments, stay in approach mode and correctively “right” the problematic agent,  Indeed, the RR should be the first choice reaction and constitute the greatest percentage of all corrective responses. But, if despite such efforts, unacceptable environmental conditions persist over time, then more assertive and aggressive (yet non-hostile) confrontational “fight” responses become appropriate, until finally a “flight” to more habitable and just environments becomes the only viable options. But whether the situation dictates a Right, Flight, or Flight response, the primary objective is to immediately identify and reduce the internal or external environmental conditions that are triggering the distress in order to self-preserve.”

Emotions are guidance and we were never designed to tolerate negative emotions for longer than it takes to complete our corrective action. That is why the many benefits of positivity are coming to light as we study positive emotions. We were designed to feel good. We were also designed to be good, which we are when we feel good.

Societal systems designed to make us feel bad and maintain that negative state are fighting against our very nature. These same systems literally create the very undesired behaviors we want to avoid.

Right Responses can be taught with knowledge and skill to become the default mode of response. Happiness 1st Institute focuses upon doing exactly that in our classes.

Morals and Values

Morals and values do have a place in the structure of things. Someone with a strong moral fiber who is repeatedly pushed to the low end of the EGS may choose options other than violence against others. Suicide is one of the options that can be more palatable to such an individual (slow or fast – in other words drugs and alcohol or those actions we currently call suicide). There are so many variations that influence the path(s) that will become acceptable and there is really no reason to analyze them extensively. Our time is much more productively spent understanding how to help individuals move up the scale where the subject of what path they would choose from a position of powerlessness is irrelevant.

Substance Abuse

In most cases, drugs and alcohol begin as a way to feel better. Individuals who know how to feel good by managing their own place on the EGS tend to drink far less. I have a large social network of such individuals and often vacation with them. Drugs and alcohol are not a big factor in our fun for the vast majority of us. We are high on life.

Drugs and alcohol are a form of self-medication. Whether addiction becomes an issue or not, learning to consciously and deliberately respond appropriately to emotional guidance can help any individual make healthier choices.

Peer Pressure

I can hear protests “What about peer pressure?”. Think about it?  Isn’t giving in to peer pressure an attempt to feel better?  To feel more accepted?  To feel a part of something more?

Emotion can affect decisions about risk-taking in all age groups, not just adolescents, the emotion doesn’t necessarily have to be triggered from the decision situation itself even, for example. if you’re angry about an argument, you might later drive too fast on the highway.[F]

Our emotions provide guidance but what has been happening for a very long time is that the children (who are born knowing how to be joyful) are taught to pay attention to pleasing others instead of following their natural guidance. Parents, teachers, ministers, and peers say “Do this so I will feel better” and because the pressure is intense they eventually begin using others as their barometer about how to behave. This is very problematic if you are trying to please more than one other person and even more problematic if one of those people is inconsistent in what pleases them.

Society has developed a belief that without external guidance our behavior would be unacceptable. Recent findings in positive psychology refute this premise. When individuals are in a positive state they exhibit not only behaviors that society requires as ‘socially acceptable’ but behaviors that go far beyond the minimums with altruism and cooperation increasing substantially when higher levels of positive emotion are present.

Helping children understand that listening to their own emotions is important. We often speak of animals having instincts and humans having intellect. We (humans) do have instincts but we are trained not to listen to them. We all have guidance coming from within and we can hear it when we quiet our minds. What most do not do is listen to it or understand how it communicates. Our minds are powerful and important but our hearts are even more intelligent. The HeartMath Institute conducted a study that showed the heart registered responses in a predictive manner, while the brain responded after the fact to the same stimuli.[G]

Our bodies have great intelligence. We often take them for granted and overlook the intelligence of our bodies. They know how to take a single cell and turn it into a full grown human. From that single cell all the other cells are formed, ones that are eyes and ones that are toe nails. They know how to take nutrients from food and nourish our cells. They know how to regain balance when many undesired elements are introduced. When we listen to our guidance we will also receive information about what our bodies are asking for to maximize our vitality.

Studies are revealing that we make healthier choices when we feel positive emotions.[H]

Make Decisions When you Feel Happy

Education

The first step is to spread the knowledge of how to understand and use our emotional guidance systems for our own benefit and the benefit of others. This must include a deep understanding that helping those who are not behaving in acceptable ways increase their level of positive emotion is the path to their becoming productive and contributing members of society.

Pain Management

So much of medicine treats symptoms. It has been shown repeatedly and conclusively that positive emotion and optimism treat the root cause of both life threatening illnesses including cardiovascular disease, cancer, Type II diabetes, Alzheimer’s as well as illnesses that are usually less threatening such as the common cold and flu.

Positive emotion can also have an immediate impact on pain. Someone who has chronic pain that comes and goes will notice, if they pay attention, that when their emotions are more pleasant their pain decreases. The opposite is also true, the worse the emotional state, the greater the pain. According to Dr. Scott, Chief Nursing Officer of Grady Health Systems in Atlanta, Georgia, they noticed this when they became cognizant that requests for pain medicine decreased during afternoon football games prompting the hospital to add ESPN to the channels available to patients[I].

Science has come a long way in proving the many benefits of happiness over the past two decades but they have not come close to understanding the potential impact on human thriving that is possible. This will be realized when the topic of this paper has become common knowledge.

We are on the brink of seeing the dreams of many generations become reality. Let’s go.

Jeanine Joy’s upcoming book, Stress Kills: Happiness Heals will provide a clear path to the vision explored in this White Paper. Watch for it in book stores in the autumn of 2014.

Please consider sharing this with your friends and family. You never know who you may help by passing it on. It is a random act of kindness that will ripple outward. This information is too important to move forward at the speed of science – Pass it on and help create a better world sooner.

[A] See:  Emotion: A Self-Regulatory Sense, K.T.Peil

[B] Each individual has an emotional set point on each topic. For example, emotional set point about Mother may be different on topic of money than set point on topic of food and so on. However, people tend to live in the same emotional range across a variety of topics.

[C] See separate list of processes.

[D] University of California – David (2001, August 22). Happiness can deter crime, a new study finds. ScienceDaily. Retrieved April 27, 2012, from http://www.sciencedily.com/releases/2011/08/110822091859.htm

[E] See:  Emotion: A Self-Regulatory Sense (www.emotionalsentience.com) by K. T. Peil, Harvard, 2012

[F] Association for Psychological Science (2011, July 27). Who takes risks?

[G] Rollin, McCraty, Mike Atkinson, and Raymond T. Bradley, “Electrophysiological Evidence of Intuition. Part 1: The Surprising Role of the Heart,” Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine 10(1) (2004), pp. 133 – 143

[H] The Heart’s Content: The Association between Positive Psychological Well-Being and Cardiovascular Health,” Julia K. Boehm and Laura D. Kubzansky, Psychological Bulletin, online April 17, 2012, Published by the American Psychological Association, Department of Society, Human Development, and Health at Harvard School of Public Health

This publication contains general information only and is based on the experiences and research of  Happiness 1st Institute. Happiness 1st Institute is not, by means of this publication, rendering business, financial, investment, or other professional advice or services. This publication is not a substitute for such professional advice or services, nor should it be used as a basis for any decision or action that may affect your business  Before making any decision or taking any action that may affect your business, you should consult a qualified professional.. Happiness 1st Institute, its affiliates, and related entities shall not be responsible for any loss sustained by any person who relies on this publication.

© 2012-2014 Jeanine Joy All rights reserved.

[I] Wall Street Journal, October 15, 2012

Kill Negative Self-Talk: Advice that actually works

ProzacTime for Advice that Works

I am in Pasadena, California to attend the Rose Bowl game and parade. I noticed an article in the well-being section of the local magazine titled “Quit Beating Yourself up over a Lousy Childhood.”  I am always interested in learning more methods of helping others thrive so I naturally read the article.

As is so often the case the reading left me not only disappointed but somewhat frustrated. It begins with a successful gentleman, Otis, who describes his current life as including a loving family and lady in his life but who often feels negative emotion related to his long ago childhood. He compounds the negative emotion by feeling guilty about feeling the negative emotion since he has a good life now. The response from the psychotherapist is accurate in the goal (stopping the negative self-talk) but provides no guidance about how to accomplish that goal.

There is little point in telling someone to stop doing a destructive behavior if they are not given guidance about how to stop that behavior. It is as unproductive as telling someone to ‘Think Positive’ without providing the knowledge and skills for them to successfully master the ability. In my opinion, such advice without knowledge and skills can actually compound the problem. When simply told to stop the negative self-talk or “think positively” an individual is likely to believe other are able to take that advice and successfully achieve the goal and think even less of themselves when they are unable to do so.

The truth is that our thoughts are habits – as much as any habit – good or bad are habits. Smoking is a habit. So is the way you greet and say good bye to loved ones – whether it involves heartfelt hugs, kisses and hello’s or casual attitudes that show one another that they are taken for granted.

There are many techniques that can change habits of thought and every individual is capable of far more control over these habits than most use. But without basic knowledge about how the mind works to reinforce existing habits of thought and proven techniques to change those habits an individual is not likely to succeed in changing.

Our programs teach many techniques that can successfully allow an individual to change their own habits of thought to ones that will enable them to thrive – often in ways they never imagined they could.

Often the first step is to stop believing everything you think. The knowledge we share about how the mind works and how it filters information received by the conscious mind helps an individual realize that more than truth plays into what they think. Once this awareness is gained it becomes far easier to use techniques to change to more productive habits of thought.

Refuting thoughts that do not serve you makes more sense when you realize that just because you think a thought does not mean it is true. Most people have given far too much credence to what other people think and say to them not realizing that others’ opinions always reflect far more about the one with the opinion than the subject of their opinion. In our programs we demonstrate this in ways that make it very apparent and allow individuals to give less power to harmful input from others.

One technique that can be effective (and far more effective once an individual understands key aspects of the functioning of minds) is to negate the negative self-talk. Looking for examples that demonstrate the lack of truth in the negative belief about oneself can eliminate the power of such thoughts. There are many other methods detailed in our programs.

Our goal is to help individuals thrive. Everyone, no matter how awful or wonderful their current life feels, can improve their experience.

We hope this article stimulates discussion. If this article stimulates thoughts, questions, or comments please post them below. The comments are moderated so they will not appear immediately. Comments and questions are taken seriously. By sharing them here rather than sending them by private mail you share with other readers and not just the author. All comments are read and all earnest questions are responded to. If you have something to say that truly applies only to you and me then send me an email. Please feel to share this article with others using the share buttons or by sending them a link to this page. Comments that are not related to the topic of this website or that are blatant advertisements are deleted to preserve the integrity of the site. We look forward to your feedback. If you would like to register for or are interested in additional information on our classes, one-on-one coaching, or speakers for your event please contact us. 

 

How much damage is your unhappy relationship doing to your child? Do you know?

How much damage is your unhappy relationship doing to your child?  Do you know?

Do you know that negative emotions compromise the immune system?  Yours and your child’s.

Do you know that the way you perceive things will be picked up by your child?  If you are quick to anger your child will become quick to anger.

If you are suspicious your child will develop trust issues that may interfere with the very thing you want most for your child, his health and happiness.

If you attempt to cover up your real emotions your child will learn to not trust you because your words and vibe do not match.

If you demonstrate behaviors that lead to unhappy relationships those are the behaviors your child will learn from you.

If you learn how to be more emotionally intelligent, how to get to the root cause of relationship issues (where they can be solved) your child will learn how to do this and have better relationships throughout his or her life.

There is a solution. No matter how bad it may seem you can change the environment in which your child learns.

Your relationships can improve and the example your child learns from can be healthy and positive. But you probably cannot get there on your own if you are having relationship issues.

Do you sometimes think that although the faces change the same problems come up in your relationships?

Fighting with your spouse, regardless of whether your child experiences yelling or worse, or just the body language that goes with anger, can negatively affect your child in many ways.

If you re ready for a change contact us for more information.

We hope this article stimulates discussion. If this article stimulates thoughts, questions, or comments please post them below. The comments are moderated so they will not appear immediately. Comments and questions are taken seriously. By sharing them here rather than sending them by private mail you share with other readers and not just the author. All comments are read and all earnest questions are responded to. If you have something to say that truly applies only to you and me then send me an email. Please feel to share this article with others using the share buttons or by sending them a link to this page. Comments that are not related to the topic of this website or that are blatant advertisements are deleted to preserve the integrity of the site. We look forward to your feedback. If you would like to register for or are interested in additional information on our keynote speakers, programs, one-on-one coaching, or speakers for your event please contact us. 

 

What will it take to Wake You Up?

What Will It Take to Wake You Up?

Positive emotions are required for your body to function at its peak performance.

Being stoic or tolerating being in a negative state of mind often is unhealthy.

The scientific evidence of this is clear.

We need to care for our bodies and part of caring for our bodies, even more important to their health than whether or not we smoke, is that we enjoy positive emotions often.

Are you still harboring resentment towards a long ago wrong?

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.” – Buddha

Are you holding on to feelings of not being loved enough at some point in your life?  That part of your life is over and only your thoughts about it are keeping it alive.

Are you refusing to forgive, believing that they do not deserve your forgiveness?  The one you benefit by your forgiveness is you.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes

Are you loving yourself?  The often quoted verse is “Love thy neighbor as thyself” but many people treat themselves worse than they would their worst enemy in the conversations they have in their own minds and in the mirror. Remember to love yourself. You really cannot love others if you do not love and accept yourself.

You do not have to judge yourself as lacking to decide to improve or change something about yourself. It is perfectly acceptable to be fine as you are and decide to improve something to make yourself even better. Self acceptance means you recognize that you are evolving and becoming throughout life. If you are not all that you desire to be today there is always tomorrow when you will be more than you are today.

Do you spend your commute time angry at the situation?  You can make it enjoyable with a little thought and effort.

Do you go to a job you hate every day?  There has to be some aspect you can focus upon that will feel better to you.

Decisions are powerful. We can show you the decisions you can make – without any circumstances changing – that will help you be happier. Circumstances have a way of changing to match your state of happiness.

Science has shown that happiness contributes positively to good health, to success and to good relationships.

Ask us how we can help you by contacting us. We have answers that address the root causes and result in real progress towards your dreams, desires, and goals.

We hope this article stimulates discussion. If this article stimulates thoughts, questions, or comments please post them below. The comments are moderated so they will not appear immediately. Comments and questions are taken seriously. By sharing them here rather than sending them by private mail you share with other readers and not just the author. All comments are read and all earnest questions are responded to. If you have something to say that truly applies only to you and me then send me an email. Please feel to share this article with others using the share buttons or by sending them a link to this page. Comments that are not related to the topic of this website or that are blatant advertisements are deleted to preserve the integrity of the site. We look forward to your feedback. If you would like to register for or are interested in additional information on our classes, one-on-one coaching, or speakers for your event please contact us. 

Is Your Happiness a Selfish Desire?

The Fallacy of Seeking Ones Own Happiness Being A Selfish Act

This new frontier is such an interesting journey.  There are so many common beliefs that are based on false assumptions to overcome.  Society has been teaching humans misinformation about happiness for generations.  It explains a lot about how things have gotten so bad for so many.

One of the most common fallacies I encounter is the perception that seeking ones own happiness is selfish.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

A happy Mother would never abuse her child.  Only unhappy ones ever do.

A happy husband would never abuse his wife.  Only an unhappy one would and whether or not he is happy is his issue; no one can make another person happy.

A happy person would not go on a killing spree.  Only deeply unhappy people do that.

When an individual is happy there are many benefits that extend to their family, friend, employer and community.

If a scale weighed the individual benefits of happiness against the benefits that individual’s happiness gives to their family, friends, co-workers and community it would be self evident that ones own happiness was not a selfish act.

I am not referring to the transitory happiness that one achieves based on external circumstances.  The happiness I refer to is a deep sense of inner stability, well-being, peace and vitality that is consistent and easy to return to when life tosses an obstacle in ones path.

That sort of happiness brings many benefits.  Here is a statement students in our programs can read to help them realize that making their own happiness a priority is far from a selfish act.

        When I am happy I am at my best.  I am in the best health.  I am in the best mood.  I am able to think with greater clarity.  I am able to see solutions to problems far more readily.  I need less from others (pumping up, assistance of all types, etc.).  I have better relationships.  I am more resilient.  I have more energy.  I contribute more by being happy so being happy is a priority for me.  When I am happy I contribute to others by inspiring them to happiness.  I contribute to others because when I feel great I want to help others feel just as wonderful.  Sometimes, when someone feels rotten it makes them feel better to see someone else feel rotten too or see someone who is even worse off then they are.  When I am happy it lifts me even higher to help others up and I gain no happiness or relief from their not being in a good place.  Minding my own happiness is minding my health because when I am happy I will be inclined to make good decisions about my diet, exercise and other habits.  Happiness reduces the stress on my body and enables it to more easily maintain or regain its health.  My immune system functions better when I am happy.  My happiness is good for me and good for the world. 

Degree of Happiness Scale II

Another common fallacy is that an individual can make another one happy. If you have ever attempted to cheer up someone who had decided they were going to be miserable you know that until the person decided they want to be happy nothing anyone else can do will make a significant difference.  Others can certainly contribute greatly to our happiness by providing positive things to focus on but we always have the ability to focus on less pleasing things no matter how pleasing they are being.

There are specific skills and a base of knowledge that can help anyone increase their level of happiness and increase their potential to thrive.

You can do it.  Anyone can. 

Healthy Relationships

This course is designed to increase the knowledge and skills that will help you enjoy a life long loving relationship.

The course name represents the Golden wedding anniversary because we believe this class can contribute greatly to the ability of couples to enjoy 50 or more years together. All are welcome in the course. It is not necessary to come as a couple or to be married. This class will help individuals prepare for great relationships or enjoy the one they already have.

The same skills and knowledge can help you improve all your relationships.

The class is a great wedding or anniversary gift.

If you are ‘in love’ you will know how to keep that loving feeling and if you do find yourself veering off course, you will have skills that can be used to get back on track before you’re in a ditch.

If your relationship has evolved to where you feel more friendship than passionate loving feelings you can use the knowledge and skills to bring back the ‘in love’ feelings.

If the stress of life has made it feel more like your mate is your business partner, figuring out  schedules and budgets, it can help you feel more ‘in love’ even in the midst of chaos.

If your relationship is struggling to survive the knowledge and skills may be able to bring it back to that loving feeling.

If your relationship has ended the knowledge and skills can help you make the next one the one you’ve been dreaming about.

Its goal is to increase happiness, optimism, emotional intelligence, resilience, self mastery, and well-being and improve relationships.

You will feel more empowered and feel more confident in your ability to sustain a loving relationship with your mate. Many of the same skills can be utilized to improve other relationships.

We design the time and location of this class to make it easy to have a date night after class so that couples attending together can enjoy one another and have time to talk about any insights they experienced as a result of the class.

The benefits of increased happiness are tremendous. You will learn why relationships are easier when you are happy.

Happiness also provides health benefits including 50% risk reduction for heart disease, reduced risk for some cancers, reduced risk of diabetes and Alzheimer’s, improved immune function, fewer colds and flu and so much more. See our website for more information on the scientifically proven benefits.

Taking this class is a wise decision. . Your life will be better because of it.

The terms we use to refer to areas the class will benefit are defined differently by different people. This is especially true of happiness. Our meanings are reflected below.

Happiness is a deep sense of inner stability, well-being, peace and vitality that is consistent and reliable.

Resilience is an individual’s ability to cope with stress and adversity. Increased resilience helps individuals recover from setbacks (illness, depression, adversity, etc. ) faster than they would without the coping strategies that our course strengthens.

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to effectively understand oneself and others which impacts the ability to relate well to people and higher EQ levels help individuals be more successful in meeting the demands and pressures of life.

Optimism is an inclination to project a positive point of view upon actions and events and to anticipate favorable outcomes. Optimists tend to be much more successful than pessimists and to experience better health throughout life.

Self Mastery is the ability to be aware of your emotions and rule them rather than have them rule you. Self mastery is the ability to make the most out of your physical, mental, and spiritual health, to be the best you can be.

Well-Being ~ high levels of well-being mean that we are more able to respond to difficult circumstances, to innovate and constructively engage with other people and the world around us. As well as representing a highly effective way of bringing about good outcomes in many different areas our lives, there is also a strong case for regarding well-being as an ultimate goal of human endeavor. It contributes to the individual ability to realize his or her own potential, to cope with the normal stresses of life, to work productively and fruitfully, and the ability to make a contribution to her or his community.

 

 

Go Confidently in the Direction of your Dreams

Go Confidently in the direction of your future

Live the life of your dreams

Learn how in this course, designed to increase resilience, self mastery, optimism, happiness, emotional intelligence, and well-being.

The same skills and knowledge can help you improve all your relationships.

You will feel more empowered and feel more confident in your ability to succeed in anything you set your mind to.

Young adults face many challenges. You are making decisions about your future both when you choose a college and when you decide whether or not to participate in particular activities.

For some, peer pressure exerts undue influence and leads them away from their real goals. This class will help you feel more confident about where you really want to go and what you want to do. The tools provided are effective, even in the moment, to help you stay on track.

Science has demonstrated that increasing happiness literally makes you smarter. You will do better on examinations, including the SAT, when you are happy than when you are not happy.

Your decisions about exercise, nutrition, getting adequate sleep and even crime and substance abuse will be healthier when you experience generally positive emotions.

Depression is at epidemic levels around the world and the rates are especially high for teens and young adults. The good news is that you live at the perfect time. Many branches of science have been exploring happiness and resilience. We have taken the best of that leading edge science and used that knowledge to develop our courses. We believe this class will equip you with skills and tools to greatly reduce your risk of depression and which would shorten the duration of depression should it still occur.

It has been shown that depression during pregnancy has many adverse impacts on the baby including sleep and behavior problems, depression and asthma. These scientific findings point to the importance of learning these skills. In fact, depression has been shown to be a risk factor for teen pregnancy.

The benefits provided by this class have been shown to increase many life skills that make the difference between a mediocre life where dreams are put aside and one where thriving is the order of the day.

We want you to thrive. We know you can. All you need is some knowledge and skills.

Almost every other course you have ever taken has been focused on providing you with knowledge that it has been determined will help you please others. This course is focused on empowering you, giving you the tools and knowledge you need to be successful. Some would say this is selfishly oriented. We (and science) disagree. When you are capable of managing your own life you require fewer resources from others and science has shown that when individuals are happy they are far more likely to help others. The bottom line is that science has shown that an individuals happiness does not just benefit that individual but also his or her family, friends, co-workers and community.

Your very capacity for kindness and ability to love will increase.

The benefits of increased happiness are tremendous. You will learn why relationships are easier when you are happy.

Happiness also provides health benefits including 50% risk reduction for heart disease, reduced risk for some cancers, reduced risk of diabetes and Alzheimer’s, improved immune function, fewer colds and flu and so much more. See our website for more information on the scientifically proven benefits.

Many will tell you to be more positive. We do not just tell you, we show you how.

 

We have over 50 skills and techniques that can be used to increase your happiness in the moment and to become happier naturally for the long-term. Some of the techniques can also be applied to improve your results in sports.

Taking this class is a wise decision. Your life will be better because of it.

Please click on our program tab for additional course information and  to register for this life changing program.

The terms we use to refer to areas the class will benefit are defined differently by different people. This is especially true of happiness. Our meanings are reflected below.

Happiness is a deep sense of inner stability, well-being, peace and vitality that is consistent and reliable.

Resilience is an individual’s ability to cope with stress and adversity. Increased resilience helps individuals recover from setbacks (illness, depression, adversity, etc. ) faster than they would without the coping strategies that our course strengthens.

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to effectively understand oneself and others which impacts the ability to relate well to people and higher EQ levels help individuals be more successful in meeting the demands and pressures of life.

Optimism is an inclination to project a positive point of view upon actions and events and to anticipate favorable outcomes. Optimists tend to be much more successful than pessimists and to experience better health throughout life.

Self Mastery is the ability to be aware of your emotions and rule them rather than have them rule you. Self mastery is the ability to make the most out of your physical, mental, and spiritual health, to be the best you can be.

Well-Being ~ high levels of well-being mean that we are more able to respond to difficult circumstances, to innovate and constructively engage with other people and the world around us. As well as representing a highly effective way of bringing about good outcomes in many different areas our lives, there is also a strong case for regarding well-being as an ultimate goal of human endeavor. It contributes to the individual ability to realize his or her own potential, to cope with the normal stresses of life, to work productively and fruitfully, and the ability to make a contribution to her or his community.

A Happier You

A Happier You

 ~ Benefits everyone in your life ~

Your increased happiness benefits your family, your friends,

your community, your health, well-being, and success.

This course is designed to increase resilience, self mastery, optimism, happiness, emotional intelligence, well-being and improve relationships.See the programs tab to check out the course offerings and register to make your life better.

You will understand and be able to implement the keys to sustainable happiness.

You will feel more empowered and feel more confident in your ability to succeed in anything you set your mind to.

The benefits provided by this class have been shown to increase many life skills that make the difference between a mediocre life where dreams are put aside and one where thriving is the order of the day.

We want you to thrive. We know you can. All you need is some knowledge and skills.

Some would say increasing your happiness is selfishly oriented. We (and science) disagree. When you are capable of managing your own life you require fewer resources from others and science has shown that when individuals are happy they are far more likely to help others. The bottom line is that science has shown that an individuals happiness does not just benefit that individual but also his or her family, friends, co-workers and community.

Your very capacity for kindness and ability to love will increase.

The benefits of increased happiness are tremendous. You will learn why relationships are easier when you are happy.

Happiness also provides health benefits including 50% risk reduction for heart disease, reduced risk for some cancers, reduced risk of diabetes and Alzheimer’s, improved immune function, fewer colds and flu and so much more. See our website for more information on the scientifically proven benefits.

It has been shown that depression during pregnancy has many adverse impacts on the baby including sleep and behavior problems, depression, and asthma. These scientific findings point to the importance of learning these skills.

Many will tell you to be more positive. We do not just tell you, we show you how.

You’re made a wise decision. Your life will be better because of it.

Click on the Programs tab for course and registration information.

The terms we use to refer to areas the class will benefit are defined differently by different people. This is especially true of happiness. Our meanings are reflected below.

Happiness is a deep sense of inner stability, well-being, peace and vitality that is consistent and reliable.

Resilience is an individual’s ability to cope with stress and adversity. Increased resilience helps individuals recover from setbacks (illness, depression, adversity, etc. ) faster than they would without the coping strategies that our course strengthens.

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to effectively understand oneself and others which impacts the ability to relate well to people and higher EQ levels help individuals be more successful in meeting the demands and pressures of life.

Optimism is an inclination to project a positive point of view upon actions and events and to anticipate favorable outcomes. Optimists tend to be much more successful than pessimists and to experience better health throughout life.

Self Mastery is the ability to be aware of your emotions and rule them rather than have them rule you. Self mastery is the ability to make the most out of your physical, mental, and spiritual health, to be the best you can be.

Well-Being ~ high levels of well-being mean that we are more able to respond to difficult circumstances, to innovate and constructively engage with other people and the world around us. As well as representing a highly effective way of bringing about good outcomes in many different areas our lives, there is also a strong case for regarding well-being as an ultimate goal of human endeavor. It contributes to the individual ability to realize his or her own potential, to cope with the normal stresses of life, to work productively and fruitfully, and the ability to make a contribution to her or his community.

All of our course offerings provide health and well-being benefits

All of our course offerings provide health and well-being benefits

The benefits of increased positive emotions, optimism and happiness extend to all areas of life.

Scientists in many fields have been working, primarily in the past 20 years, on discovering the benefits of happiness. The results have been conclusive and surprising.

Positive emotions, optimism and happiness have positive impacts on health, well-being, relationships, emotional intelligence, creativity, cognitive ability, decision-making, resilience, substance abuse, crime, teen pregnancy, immune system function, and of course, depression.

 

Is Your Community at Peace?

Is Your Community at Peace?

Is your community at peace or does it feel more like war or a cold war?

Regardless of how you define ‘your community’ you, your family, and your children deserve to live in peace.

Science has shown again and again that increasing positive emotions, optimism, and happiness is good for communities.

Crime goes down.

Teen pregnancy is reduced.

Some multi-generation issues do not occur (depression in the expecting Mom can cause behavioral and sleep problems for the baby and increase risk of asthma and depression in th child).

Even racism is shown to decrease with increased positivity.

Programs can be designed to help communities create a healthier environment for everyone.

Increased positivity is the road to peace, whether you are speaking of your home, your neighborhood, your school, or the world.

We offer two 1-hour programs designed to increase peace, free to organizations on a space available basis.

Some of the Scientifically Proven Benefits of Happiness

Some of the Scientifically Proven Benefits of Happiness

The benefits of increased positive emotions, optimism and happiness extend to all areas of life.

Scientists in many fields have been working, primarily in the past 20 years, on discovering the benefits of happiness. The results have been conclusive and surprising.

Positive emotions, optimism and happiness have positive impacts on health, well-being, relationships, emotional intelligence, creativity, cognitive ability, decision-making, resilience, substance abuse, crime, teen pregnancy, imune system function, and of course, depression.

Some Scientifically Shown Benefits of Increased Happiness

Positive emotions, optimism, and happiness have been scientifically shown to:

·                                 Reduce the risk of developing cardiovascular disease by 50%[i]

·                                 Provide a protective defense against breast cancer[ii]

·                                 Increase resilience “We contend that the cognitive broadening that accompanies states of positive emotion expands and improves the ways people cope during crises”. [iii]

·                                 Increase problem solving abilities and negotiating skills[iv]

·                                 Have the potential to create chains of events that carry positive meaning for others, positive emotions can trigger upward spirals that transform communities into more cohesive, moral and harmonious social organizations. [v]

·                                 Reduce stress  which is being researched as contributing to Alzheimer’s disease[vi] and [vii]

·                                 Be the best coping strategies for life’s ‘downs’. [viii]

·                                 Significantly reduces risk of stroke (study only considered optimism)[ix]

·                                 Improved relationships of all types[x]

·                                 Increase success[xi]

·                                 Research suggests that negativity in social relationships is an important predictor

·                                 of (adverse) mental health in its own right[xii]

 

This is just a sample of the scientifically proven benefits. Research has found enough benefits to fill several books. I apologize for the copious citations but I wanted you to see that the statements are based upon solid research.

•         Improved immune system function

•         Reduced risk of heart disease and stroke

•         Reduced risk of Type II diabetes

•         Reduced risk of Alzheimer’s disease

•         Reduced risk of depression

•         Reduced incident of illness

•         Shorter duration when illness occurs

•         Reduced inflammatory response to stress

•         Increased longevity

•         Lower blood pressure

•         Less pain

•         Improved sleep

•         Greater resiliency and adaptability

•          More likely to make good choices

•         Increased creativity

•         Increased success

•         Increased productivity

•         Increased optimism

•         Improved relationships of all types

•         Improved social support networks

•         Feel love and appreciation more

•         More likely to marry

•         More likely to be happily married

•         Become more likable

•         Greater clarity of thinking; the mind sees more possibilities

•         Increased ability to see the ‘big picture’

All of our course offerings provide health and well-being benefits

Citations and greater details are in programs and books by Jeanine Joy available on Amazon and other fine book sellers.

 

[i]Boehm, J. K. , & Kubzansky, L. D. The heart’s content: The association between positive psychological well-being and cardiovascular health. Psychological Bulletin, April 2012

AmericanAcademyof Neurology (2001, July 13). Keeping up your overall health may keep dementia away, study suggests. Science Daily

Cardiovascular disease is a risk factor for Alzheimer’s so this risk is also reduced. AmericanAcademyof Neurology (2001, July 13). Keeping up your overall health may keep dementia away, study suggests. Science Daily.

[ii]Ronit Peled, Devora Carmil, Orly Siboni-Samocha and Ilana Shoham-Vardi. Breast cancer, psychological distress and life events among young women. BMC Cancer

[iii]What good are positive emotions in crisis? A prospective study of resilience and emotions following the terrorist attacks on the United States on September 11th, 2001. Fredrickson, Barbara L. ; Tugade, Michele M. ; Waugh, Christian E. ; Larkin, Gregory R. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 84(2), Feb 2003, 365-376. doi: 10. 1037/0022-3514. 84. 2. 365

[iv]Content analyses revealed that physicians who felt good were faster to integrate case information and less likely to become anchored on initial thoughts or come to premature closure in their diagnosis. In yet another experiment, Isen and colleagues showed that negotiators induced to feel good were more likely to discover integrative solutions in a complex bargaining task. Overall, 20 years of experiments by

Isen and her colleagues show that when people feel good, their thinking becomes more creative, integrative, flexible and open to information. The Value of Positive Emotions. Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph. D.

[v]The Value of Positive Emotions. Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph. D.

[vi]Ioannis Sotiropoulos, Caterina Catania, Lucilia G. Pinto, Rui Silva, G. Elizabeth Pollerberg, Akihiko Takashima, Nuno Sousa, and Osborne F. X. Almeida. Stress Acts Cumulatively to Precipitate Alzheimer’s Disease-Like Tau Pathology and Cognitive Deficits. Journal of Neuroscience, May 25, 2011; 31(21):7840-7847 DOI:10. 1523/JNEUROSCI. 0730-11. 2011

[vii]Robert A. Rissman, PhD, assistant professor of neurosciences, said the findings may at least partly explain why clinical studies have found a strong link between people prone to stress and development of sporadic Alzheimer’s disease (AD), which accounts for up to 95 percent of all AD cases in humans. Robert A. Rissman, Michael A. Staup, Allyson Roe Lee, Nicholas J. Justice, Kenner C. Rice, Wylie Vale, and Paul E. Sawchenko. Corticotropin-releasing factor receptor-dependent effects of repeated stress on tau phosphorylation, solubility, and aggregation. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 2012 DOI: 10. 1073/pnas. 1203140109

Is Your Child Happy?

An Open Letter to Parents Regarding the Happiness of Their Children

Does your child’s happiness matter? As parents we want the best for our children. We willingly make many sacrifices to ensure they have not only what they need but opportunities we want them to have.

Why do we do this?  In the final analysis, whether it is good grades, a college education, a car, being on a winning team or a wide circle of friends the reason is that we believe they will be happier in the having of the experience, education or thing. We want our children to be healthy, happy, and productive.

In our opinion every parent would benefit from being aware of the new research on happiness.

I will share some of the relative details of that research including:

  •      Happy children have better relationships
  •      Happy children do better in school
  •      Happy children do better on examinations including the SAT
  •      Happy children are healthier
  •      Happy children are more likely to accomplish their goals
  •      Happy children are less likely to become addicted to drugs and alcohol
  •      Happy children are less like to get pregnant
  •      Happy children are less likely to commit crimes

Happy children do better in school and on examinations including SAT examinations. Scientists have actually demonstrated that happiness increases our level of both intelligence and creativity. The same individual is not an intelligent or creative when they are in a negative state of mind as they are when they are in a positive state of mind.

Don’t worry. I am not about to suggest that you give in to every whim your child has in order to ‘keep him or her happy’. In fact, happiness does not work that way. It is not about ‘getting your way’ but about how you respond to the circumstances of your life. It is what I call the ‘back-story’ you tell yourself.

For example, take two children who want the same thing and their parent tells them they cannot have it. A negatively focused child might, in their own mind, explain your unwillingness to allow them to have the desired thing by telling themselves things such as “Mom/Dad would let me have this thing I want if they loved me; they must not love me” or “I must be a disappointment to Mom/Dad; if they were proud of me they would let me have this thing I want” and so on. You can see where those thoughts lead. They lead to low self esteem and associated problems including depression.

On the other hand, the positively focused child might, in their own mind, explain your unwillingness to allow them to have the desired thing by telling themselves things such as “Mom/Dad would let me have this if they thought it was best for me; maybe I can help them see the benefits of my having this thing”, or “Even though they said no today they may change their mind” or “Maybe Grandma or Grandpa will get this thing I want for my birthday”, or “Maybe I could earn the money and get this thing I want myself”.

As you read the types of thoughts a negatively focused child might have and imagine others along those same lines also think about the drama and anxiety that might be associated with the thoughts.

The negatively focused child, if they have tied how much their parent loves them to the outcome of getting this thing or not will experience the parents’ unwillingness to provide the thing as a severe emotional blow (and rightly so considering what they have tied to the outcome).

The positively focused child feels secure in being loved, would never think to tie being loved or not to a question of receiving something. These feelings really have little or nothing to do with the parents’ behaviors but with the back story the child tells him or herself. An average parent with a child that has developed this type of back story cannot change their behavior enough to make the child feel more love. The child has to change the back story in order to feel the love that is already there.

The interesting thing about back stories is that we all create them to explain things that happen in our world. There are as many different back stories to every situation as there are people.

Listen to your own thoughts as you move through your day. If someone is rude to you how do you explain it to yourself in the privacy of your own mind?  Do you see the world as full of rude people or do  you shrug it off as that person having a bad day and taking it out on someone who just happens to be handy?

If you receive a promotion was it luck, your hard work, your education, who you know, right place and right time or something else?

Everyone creates back stories for events in their life. It is something we usually do unconsciously. Most of us do not say to ourselves “What sort of back story am I going to tell myself about this situation?” and then create one that makes us feel good. We could do this but most of us do not. Then we begin believing the back-story we tell ourselves and will staunchly defend the truth of our back story which is just something we made up to make sense of something and then thought about repeatedly.

Another interesting thing is that most of us do not talk about our back stories as such. We do not have conversations that are that deep into the privacy of our own minds.

When we are more consciously aware that we are creating back stories we have the opportunity to question them before they become rooted as beliefs. For example, the child who first ties being loved to receipt of some ‘thing’ could, if the child understood back stories, ask the parent or another trusted source if that back story that feels so awful is true and avoid thoughts that would fester and create trouble in the future.

That is enough about back stories for now. They are just one aspect of how a negatively focused individual experiences the same situation so differently than a positively focused person experiences the same circumstances.

Let’s return to the fact that happy people (children and adults) do better in school and on examinations than those who are not. So, if one of your dominant desires for your child is to do well in school so they will be happy would you not want to help them learn to be happy now so they can do better in school?

Depression has reached epidemic levels in America with 1 in 10 individuals experiencing depression[1] and depression being rampant among those in the 18 – 24[2] year range.

Learning how to be more optimistic has been demonstrated to both help alleviate depression and prevent depression. There is a separate letter in the Benefits section of our website which is focused on depression that you may wish to read.

Good relationships are very important to a life that feels good. Science has also shown that happier individuals have better relationships including family, friends, co-workers and other loved ones. There are too many factors that impact relationships to cover them here but if you consider the ‘back-story’ example above you can clearly see how the negatively focused individual is not feeling the love even if it is there. Many people suffer from feeling unloved when they are very loved. It is their back-stories that interfere with being able to feel loved. Happier individuals are also more likeable and tend to be able to maintain friendships and other relationships in healthier and more satisfying states.

Finally, the benefits of happiness on health are tremendous. In one study, which I am very glad I did not participate in, positively focused and negatively focused individuals were deliberately infected with the same cold virus. They were also kept in an isolated floor of a hotel for monitoring throughout the experiment. The results were astounding.

All the negatively focused individuals became ill. Some of the positively focused individuals did not become ill.

The positively focused individuals who did become ill suffered fewer symptoms and a shorter duration illness than the negatively focused individuals. Because they had isolated the participants they were even able to measure true symptoms (not just reported symptoms).

This and other studies have shown a direct correlation between immune system function and level of positivity.

Other studies have shown that individuals in like circumstances who are more positively focused can live as much as 10 years longer than those who are negatively focused even when family history is considered. Additionally, those who were positively focused were more likely to remain fully functioning until much closer to death than those who were negatively focused. The chronic and debilitating illnesses tended to impact those who were negatively focused.

Other research has shown that the risk of ailments such as heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, and Alzheimer’s are reduced with increased levels of happiness.

Regardless of whether your desire for your child is just not missing class due to illness as much or a longer and healthier life increasing happiness now can have positive impacts on all of these things.

The positive impact of increased happiness on an individual is tremendous. It will improve their relationships, their results in school and their health and general well-being.

Our classes are available for individuals age 16 and up and mature 14 year olds are welcome to attend classes with their parent(s) if both/all are enrolled.

Please consider giving your child the gift of happiness. Your child’s happiness matters.

See our programs tab for information on classes. We are also available for programs in schools.

Closing with a sincere wish for a happy life and all that entails for you and your child.

Sincerely,

 

 

Jeannine Joy, President

Happiness 1st Institute

For Younger Children

Please Note:  In the future classes for younger children will be developed. If you are interested in classes for younger children please let us know as demand can influence the resources we put towards development of the course. We would also be interested in hearing about your experiences with younger children, what worked and what did not, to help us develop effective tools and techniques to help them.

For now the best we can do for younger children is recommend some reading material.

For the parent:

Martin Seligman’s “The Optimistic Child” as reading material to parents of younger children.

For the child:

We like:

S. M. Mawe’s “Dandelion: The Extraordinary Life of a Misfit”

“The Little Engine That Could” – Any age appropriate version should be good

 

[1] Healthline, What is Depression, Retrieved on December 8, 2011, from http://www. healthline. com/health/depression-overview

[2] Tartakovsky, M. (2008). Depression and Anxiety Among College Students. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 8, 2011, from http://psychcentral. com/lib/2008/depression-and-anxiety-among-college-students/

Sales and Tenacity of Purpose

An open letter to Sales Managers about Optimism

Did you give your team a test to determine their optimism before you hired them?

Is your team selling as much as you would like them to?

Is turnover a concern?

What are your new hire training costs?

Are you aware of the MetLife studies and successes with hiring optimistic individuals?

MetLife worked in concert with the Father of Positive Psychology, Martin E. P. Seligman[1] to test Seligman’s theory that hiring more optimistic sales people would reduce turnover and increase sales.

The results were very conclusive.

For years MetLife had used standardized industry tests to determine aptitude for selling insurance as a primary tool in deciding who to hire. Turnover was 50% in the first year with a hiring cost of thirty five thousand per person. Sales results were not good and by the end of the 4th year 80% of the new hires were gone.

Scientific research had already shown that pessimists give up faster and more often than optimists. Quitting is a form of giving up.

They decided to experiment. In addition to the standardized industry test they tested the optimism of the applicants.

They had the existing MetLife agents take a questionnaire to measure their level of optimism/pessimism. The results showed a strong correlation between sales success and optimism.

The ten percent who were the most optimistic sold 88% more than the most pessimistic tenth. The most optimistic half sold 37% more in their first two years than the pessimistic half sold.

The first year they tested the optimism of 104 new hires from the same part of the country. At the end of the first year 59 had quit. Taking the 104 on a scale with the most optimistic at the top the least optimistic were twice as likely to have quit during the first year.

The agents in the top half of optimism had sold 20% more than the agents in the lower half. The agents from the top quarter of optimism had sold 50% more than the bottom quarter.

In the next round, fifteen thousand applicants took the optimism test. Then Met Life gambled and hired 127 new agents who had failed the industry standard test but scored very high on the optimism test in addition to hiring 1,000 using the industry standard test and monitoring optimism.

The 127 who had failed the industry standard test but scored high on the optimism test outsold the pessimists hired in the traditional way by 21% the first year and 57% the second year. This special group, who had failed the industry standard test and would not have normally been hired even outsold the optimistic half of the traditional hires by 27% over the first two years.

Finally, it is important to note that the sales of the optimists continued to improve.

Okay, how does this help you?  You already have a sales force and yes, you can test future hires but you don’t want to start over. You understand that optimism creates greater persistence in sales people and would like these benefits but how do you get from here to there?

The above study focused upon separating the optimistic from the pessimistic or less optimistic at the time of hiring. It did not address existing staff and their level of optimism.

Since then research has shown that not only can individuals change from being a pessimistic to being more optimistic but that the change is easily sustainable over time.

Beyond being better salespeople who are less likely to look for greener pastures research has also found that optimistic individuals:

  • Are healthier
  • Live longer
  • Think with better clarity
  • Do better in their careers
  • Have better relationships
  • Enjoy life more

Optimistic teams win more often even when the talent on the pessimistic opponent is superior.

It has also been shown that people would prefer their leaders be optimistic[2].

While it is still smart to focus on hiring optimistic individuals for sales roles it is possible to reshape your existing sales force into a more productive team by increasing their level of optimism.

The benefits of optimism are not limited to the sales team. Increases in optimism in all employees provide the benefits desired from typical wellness programs and some benefits that wellness programs do not even attempt to address.

One study demonstrated a 19% increase in accuracy of complex decisions among well educated adults. Can you imagine an executive team that makes decisions that are 19% better?

Happiness 1st Institute is uniquely situated to teach your employees how to be more optimistic.

Our founder had a successful 30+ year career in the insurance, securities and trust world. After learning to be optimistic and becoming very happy in her own life she began teaching others.

We use the best of several fields including Positive Psychology, Emotional Intelligence, Neuroscience, Quantum Physics and ancient wisdom to develop methods that work. Many of these methods have been thoroughly researched with thousands of adults using them to make permanent changes in their levels of optimism, happiness, emotional intelligence and resilience.

Everyone comes from a different perspective. We believe that a combination of proven methods provides a greater chance of success with individuals of diverse backgrounds and different starting points.

We know that increasing the level of optimism in your employees, salespeople, and staff; will result in significant benefits that will contribute directly to the success of your company.

Let’s have a conversation about how increased optimism in your employees could be achieved. You have nothing to loose and much to gain from exploring this idea.

Sincerely,

 

 

 

 

Jeanine Joy, President

[1] As detailed in “Learned Optimism” by Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph. D.

M. Seligman and P. Schulman, “Explanatory Style as a Predictor of Performance as a Life Insurance Agent,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50 (1986)

P. Schulman, M. Seligman, and D. Oran, “Explanatory Style Predicts Productivity Among Life Insurance Agents: The Special Force Study,” (unpublished study available from Foresight, Inc. Falls Church, VA.

[2] Citations for many benefits of happiness are in TRUE Prevention–Optimum Health: Remember Galileo http://www.amazon.com/TRUE-Prevention-Optimum-Remember-Galileo/dp/0615992463/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1399761604&sr=8-1&keywords=true+prevention+galileo

 

An Open Letter about Relationships and Happiness

An Open Letter about Relationships and Happiness

Many individuals seek a relationship because they want to be happy.

Many individuals blame their lack of happiness on the behavior of individuals with whom they have relationships including parents, siblings, friends, children, significant others, friends, and even co workers and neighbors.

‘If only “_________” would be different then I would be happy’ is a common lament.

I can’t be happy because “so and so is doing or won’t do” is another common assertion.

The common element in the above examples is that you have absolutely no control over the behavior of others. When you make your own happiness dependent upon something over which you have no control your happiness becomes an impossible dream.

Others, no matter how much they love us, will not follow our dictates in order to make us happy consistently. They can’t. They have their own desires and goals which may conflict with what we want them to do. They also have other people in their lives who may want them to behave differently than we want them to behave. Making everyone with expectations of your behavior happy is an impossible task if there is more than one other person in your life. It is also a huge burden to put upon your loved ones. It causes stress and conflict for the individual(s) you intend to love when their desires conflict with your expectations. It is conditional love and that does not serve you or them very well.

As a result of the way many people think about relationships they end up with one unsatisfying relationship after another. Often they seem to have the same relationship with a series of different people (same issues, different faces).

There are ways, within your control, that will allow you to have better relationships in your life.

Your happiness level has a great impact on the quality of the relationships in your life.

Your happiness level has a significant impact on how you perceive the actions of others. When you are happy there are many things that others can do that won’t bother you at all that you would find very bothersome when you are not happy. Your level of happiness actually impacts how you perceive your relationships.

Likewise, the happiness level of those with whom you have relationships impacts how they perceive you. If you are in a relationship with someone who is generally unhappy they are very likely finding fault with you.

One of the good things that scientists have discovered about happiness is that it tends to be contagious.

We can teach you how to be happier and then your increased happiness can have a positive influence on others in your life.

Happy people also have better relationships. In our class you’ll understand why it works this way.

When you are unhappy it is often difficult to think clearly. It is scientifically proven that the same person is smarter when happy than when unhappy.

The Keys to Happiness class offered by Happiness 1st Institute will pay dividends throughout your life. Your increased happiness will help you develop better relationships in all areas of life.

Better relationships will make life more fun.

There are many benefits to increased happiness including improved health, and well being, increased emotional intelligence, increased intelligence, increased creativity, higher levels of success, and improved immune system functioning.

Make an investment in your life. Make a commitment to become happier and use that happiness to nurture your relationships. See our website for upcoming classes and additional information. You can learn to take your relationships to new levels right along with your happiness.

Click on the Programs tab to see our class offerings.

You can do it. Anyone can.

Warm Regards,

 

Jeanine Joy, President

Happiness 1st Institute

 

50% Risk Reduction in Cardiovascular Disease without dieting or exercise

50% Risk Reduction in Cardiovascular Disease without dieting or exercise

A new scientific study from Harvard states that positive emotions, optimism and happiness reduce the risk of cardiovascular (heart) disease by 50%!

This is not just one study, this is what is called a meta-analysis which is the term scientists use to describe a study of studies. The researchers compiled data from 200 separate studies. This finding is much more reliable than the result of just one study. In order to say that positive emotions, optimism and happiness reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease by 50% the evidence had to be consistent and clear.

An earlier study, often referred to as the Nun study because it studied Nuns throughout their lives found that positive emotions equated to about 10 extra years of life. While that is astounding and is more than the typical difference associated with smoking or not, to me the best part of that study was that not only was life longer when positive emotions were common, the debilitating end of life diseases showed up closer to death so there were not only more years but much more quality years. The Nun study is especially significant because all the participants lived similar lives so things associated with lifestyle could be ruled out as causative.

The days of viewing happiness as ‘fluffy and nice to have’ are long over for those who are aware of the current research findings.

We are not encouraging you to not give attention to other factors. Maintaining a healthy body through good nutrition, activity, adequate sleep and good choices about things like smoking, drinking, and drugs will always be beneficial to you.

But there is more good news. The same Harvard meta analysis found that individuals with more positive emotions tended to make better lifestyle choices about nutrition, adequate sleep and exercising. Other studies have shown that positive emotions can have a beneficial impact on everything from substances abuse, crime and even teen pregnancy and the health of unborn children.

The many benefits of positivity are expanding rapidly as many branches of science explore this area. The benefits fill complete volumns. The following is all supported by scientific studies and does not reflect all the benefits of increased positivity.

 

When you are happy you are at your best. You are in the best health. You are in the best mood. You are able to think with greater clarity. You are able to see solutions to problems far more readily. You need less from others (pumping up, assistance of all types, etc. ). You contribute more by being happy so being happy is a priority for you. When you are happy you contribute to others by inspiring them to happiness. You contribute to others because when you feel great you want to help others feel just as wonderful. Sometimes, when someone feels rotten it makes them better to see someone else feel rotten too or see someone who is even worse off then they are. When you are happy it lifts you even higher to help others up and you gain no happiness or relief from their not being in a good place. Minding your happiness is minding your health because when you are happy you will be inclined to make good decisions about your diet and exercise and other habits. Happiness reduces the stress on your body and enables it to more easily maintain or regain its health. Your happiness is good for you and good for the world. Happiness is the path to peace.

Telling someone to be more positive is a waste of words if you don’t teach them how. Changing from pessimistic to more optimistic has been proven possible and sustainable but it requires skills. That is what we do at Happiness 1st Institute. Our classes are the best available is to increase happiness, optimism, emotional intelligence, resilience, self mastery, and well-being and improve relationships. Our program was developed utilizing the most up to date research results from may scientific fields including Positive Psychology, Neuroscience, Resilience Research, Sociology, Emotional Intelligence Research, Behavioral Science, Quantum Physics, philosophy and more. We continually monitor new findings across many scientific domains and update our programs to take advantage of new findings.

What is the connection between heart disease and positivity. One factor that is very important to health is that our immune systems function better when we are positively focused. The next time you cling to anger remember that doing so is decreasing your immune function. You’re hurting yourself–probably more than anyone else when you hold onto anger, grudges, and other less than positive emotions. It is easier than you think to find perspectives that feel better to you.

Classes are offered both in person and online. See our “Programs” tab for current offerings and links to registration.

Citations:

Boehm, J. K. , & Kubzansky, L. D. The heart’s content: The association between positive psychological well-being and cardiovascular health. Psychological Bulletin, April 2012

The Nun StudyThe Nun Study is a longitudinal study of aging and Alzheimer’s disease funded by the National Institute on Aging. Participants are 678 American members of the School Sisters of Notre Dame religious congregation. You can find additional details on Wiki and cited in many scientific articles. The study is ongoing.

An Open Letter Regarding Depression

An Open Letter Regarding Depression

Depression has reached epidemic levels worldwide including in America with 1 in 10 individuals having experienced depression. [a]

Depression has become rampant among young adults of college age individuals. [b]

According to the World Health Organization “Depression is a common mental disorder that presents with depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration. These problems can become chronic or recurrent and lead to substantial impairments in an individual’s ability to take care of his or her everyday responsibilities. At its worst, depression can lead to suicide, a tragic fatality associated with the loss of about 850 000 lives every year. ”

Depression is the 2nd leading cause of  disability in ages 15 – 44 and the 4th leading contributor to years of potential life lost due to premature mortality and loss of productive life due to disability and affects 121 million people worldwide. [c]

Other studies have shown that depression in Mom’s to be increases the risk of both behavioral and sleep disorders in the baby, seems to predispose the child to depression and increases the risk the baby will have asthma.

The following findings were included in the National College Health Assessment Executive Summary from the Spring of 2011

College students reported the following experiences at some time during the past 12 months:

Felt things were hopeless                                                  45. 1%

Felt very lonely                                                                   57. 3%

Felt very sad                                                                      61. 1%

Felt so depressed it was difficult to function                      31. 1%

Felt overwhelming anxiety                                                 50. 6%

Felt overwhelming anger                                                   37. 1%

Seriously considered suicide                                               6. 4%

The above statistics are the result of almost 120,000 surveyed students representing a cross section of society attending 129 different post secondary institutions. Depression is an equal opportunity illness impacting people of all ages, genders and backgrounds.

The statistics reflect a generation that does not know how to be happy.

Happiness is not the momentary good feelings one associates with various activities such as receiving a good grade, a smile from that cute co-ed, receiving a long-desired gift, or a pleasant surprise, shopping, a good meal, or other physical pleasures, or any other thing that brings what we call ‘momentary pleasure’. The happiness that Happiness 1st Institute teaches is far more substantial and sustainable than those momentary pleasures. This happiness is deeper and comes from the very way we think about others, about life, and about ourselves. This happiness is not dependent upon outer circumstances or upon factors over which individuals have no control.

For example, a student receiving a poor test grade who has not had the training we provide could have many different negative responses all the way up to and including ‘giving up’ on the class or even on life.

A student receiving a poor test grade who has had the training would be able to see a path to doing better next time. The student would accept full responsibility for the grade but would not crucify him or herself over it. Students who have taken our classes understand that we all learn from failure and within every failure is an opportunity for greater knowledge and success. Perhaps it is that this particular professor’s exams are more difficult than most so more time will need to be devoted to preparation while a negatively focused student might use a broad brush and use the poor grade to paint him or herself as a failure who can’t do anything right.

Likewise, in matters of relationship a student who is negatively focused might take the end of a romantic relationship as there being something inherently wrong with him or her rather than it being just not a good match for them.

Our programs have helped our students overcome depression. It is not that we teach that no improvements are necessary. Quite the contrary, we empower students by teaching them that we all continually improve throughout life but that deciding to improve in an area does not require one to denounce their current state. The best example is a toddler learning to walk. The toddler does not criticize herself for not yet knowing how to walk. The toddler keeps trying until he has mastered the art of walking never doubting that he will succeed.

For some reason much of society stops seeing the progression of improvements throughout life as natural and deems room for improvement as indicative of a flaw rather than room for additional growth. This type of thinking results in negative self-talk that does not serve our higher good and can lead to anxiety and depression.

While we cannot guarantee that a student having completed our training will never experience depression we firmly believe that our training greatly reduces the risk of depression and that it can have a positive impact on those who suffer from depression.

Scientific studies have shown that increasing optimism, which is one of the outcomes of our program, can relieve depression and reduce its reoccurrence and new evidence has been coming in that shows that training like ours can help prevent depression.

An individual who is suffering from depression would need to be somewhat more diligent in applying the tools and techniques that we teach because their thought paths would work against them in the beginning but the gains would have even greater benefit than those experienced by someone who is not depressed. The best thing is that, as they use the tools and techniques, improvements would come right away and continue to increase over time. The processes are not something you have to do for many days, weeks or months before feeling some benefits.

It is our sincere desire that the reports of depression decrease worldwide as the result of the skills and techniques we teach becoming more widely known and understood.

We have an oppotunity to improve the lives of multiple generations by increasing the happiness of young adults now. Let’s get going.

Disclaimer

We cannot and do not recommend anyone suffering from depression forgo traditional forms of help while attending our classes; those decisions are best left to you and your medical providers.

[a] Healthline, What is Depression, Retrieved on December 8, 2011, from http://www. healthline. com/health/depression-overview

[b] National College Health Assessment Executive Summary (Spring 2011), Retrieved on December 8, 2011, from http://www. acha-ncha. org/docs/ACHA-NCHA-II_ReferenceGroup_ExecutiveSummary_Spring2011. pdf

Tartakovsky, M. (2008). Depression and Anxiety Among College Students. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 8, 2011, from http://psychcentral. com/lib/2008/depression-and-anxiety-among-college-students/

[c] World Health Organization/Mental health/Depression, Extracted on December 8, 2011 from http://www. who. int/mental_health/management/depression/definition/en/